Pram Prejudice...

 "I have enough things to worry about without being regarded as a free loading baby making machine void of intelligence or feeling."

Since going on maternity leave I’ve encountered a lot of what I will refer to as pram prejudice. That is that people see the pram and make a judgement about you on the spot. This is usually not a particularly flattering or positive judgement at that.

Usually they judge you as being unemployed, living on the dole and without a braincell in your head. They ertainly dont see you as a career woman taking a short break from work to spend sometime with their new baby...

Now i know that I shouldn't worry about what people think but the truth is that I do. I cant help it. Ive always been a worrier and its not about to stop with the introduction of a host of new hormones. If anything it gets worse. 

It really bugs me that people take such a negative view of mothers. not just me. mothers in general. if I'm experiencing prejudice on the basis of the pram and nappy bag I'm toting, then I'm sure I'm not the only one. It just shouldn't happen.

I have enough things to worry about without being regarded as a free loading baby making machine without intelligence or feeling. 

What amazes me is that people feel its OK to tell you what they think. To come out with the prejudicial statements as if they were fine. its almost like people who start with "I'm not being nasty but..." and then say the nastiest things...

Ive had older ladies tell me that they would love grandchildren but their son/daughters are too busy out making money for themselves..(what unlike me??!!). Ive been referred to as a 'kept woman' (i wish) and been told that "im lucky i dont have to be out in the real world" (ive been to the 'real' world more times than most people have had hot dinners...)

Do people think i need their opinion? Do i look like i need knocking down? No. So please keep your comments to yourself thank you very much.  

The worst example I’ve come across was at a local cathedral. I decided that as the babe was fast asleep and I was walking past, id pop in and have a look around. It is a majestic building after all and it had been years since i had ventured inside.

I bustled in with my pram and took a leisurely stroll around the various chambers and chapels. I'm not religious but I do appreciate good architecture and I'm prone to a bit of history.

At the exit I started to get some money out to put into the collection box. It was then that this  exchange took place with one of the volunteers next to the entrance/exit.

HER: I assume you don’t pay tax

ME: (taken aback) err yes actually. I'm a solicitor.

HER: (astounded) Oh right. Really? Are you on some period of leave then?

ME: (frustrated) Yes. Maternity leave.

HER:  Oh. Well would you mind awfully donating your tax to gift aid?

I did donate to gift aid. I reminded myself that it was all about the cause and not her. I was not a happy bunny though.

I felt wounded though to have been judged. Especially when I was in a place that I should have felt safe in. Safe from judgement at least. isn't that one of their selling points? I haven’t been back.

There are many examples I could give where people have judged me on the sole basis of me pushing a pram. Most of them are women which saddens me further. What has happened to woman kind that means we need to turn against one another?

It appears that the view is if you have a baby then you can’t possibly have had a career. You can have both. You really can. You just have to balance them.

It’s a shame that motherhood is still something which is looked down on.  It’s not viewed with the respect that it deserves. Its hard work but its also very rewarding.

Women should stand together and support one another not judge each other on the basis of a pram.

It really should be a thing of the past. I for one am going to stand up against pram prejudice.  The mothers I've met are generally well educated, hard working and deserving of praise. I'm going to make sure that they get it.

I had a baby...not a lobotomy...

That's right world...I’m still the same person. I still have brain cells...I haven’t turned into an absolute idiot just because I happen to have given birth to a child.

So why do people take that try to treat you like one?

When I was at work and pregnant this never happened. People were almost too polite (or scared) to mention the fact that I had a large bump. Either that or they thought that I was just gaining lots of weight... Either way they still listened to me and respected my opinion.

Why wouldn't they now that I'm on maternity leave?

Its not just strangers that are prone to this presumption wither. Friends and family have also fallen foul of the rage for this misdemeanour.

I am in fact still supremely intelligent in every way... I'm joking. But my point is this; You thought I was reasonably clever before, why doubt me now?  What happened to make your opinion change? The simple fact that I had a baby?

People have such short memories. They seem to forget that you existed before you became a mother and that the same person still exists now that you are.

Before going on maternity leave I regularly worked 70 hour + weeks. I never had holidays of more than a day at a time and had never called in sick. I was obsessed with work. If I hadn’t had a child then I probably would have had a premature heart attack or breakdown, it was that bad.

Talking to some of my friends now though, you would think that I had never even done a days work in my life! They frequently throw the ‘some of us do have to work...’ line at me. Geez! I'm on maternity leave guys, not the dole!

I've worked long days and nights, weekends and had no break in between. At times I've literally worked 24/7. I can quite honestly say that raising a child is the most challenging job to date. Its a job that requires hard work, stamina, patience and love.

There are no holidays from being a parent. If your sick you just have to get on with it. If your down, it really is a case of picking yourself up, dusting yourself down and carrying on as if all is fine.

I know its the hardest job because I have a background in one of the toughest professions on the planet. It beats that hands down. So how dare people make it seem like an easy option?

When I go back to work, not only will I have the same responsibilities there as I did before but ill also be a mother. And that's a full time job on its own.

 I'm sure one day those that scoff will appreciate that its not an easy ride. By then I'll be in a position to help them and advise. Not to say I told you so...

Believe me i would have joined the scoffing before. Seeing really is believing. You truly need to look after a child to realise the level of dedication and responsibility required.

The other thing is that people feel the need to employ a degree of condescension when speaking to me.  This is particularly infuriating. Especially as I'm used to standing up in court and commanding an audience! (I'm not saying that they are always enthralled by what I have to say but they do at least listen!)  

 Some people find it necessary to  explain even the most basic things to me in step by step method. Quite frankly it makes me want to punch them in the face. And that's punch hard.  In the face.

Believe me I understand. I have a degree to prove it. It did not become void the moment I entered motherhood.

I’ve always been interested in current affairs (it’s in the law school training) and I like to discuss things in the papers and on the news.

The problem is that I seem to no longer have any willing sparing partners for a lively debate on political issues. I think they think that I might start to cry. It won’t happen guys! Under this motherly home making exterior is still a hardened battle axe willing to take on the world!

This never happens though. People just fob me off.  

I’ve tried to start conversations with people, who cut me off mid way in a patronising “you don’t need to trouble yourself with all that“ tone.....erm yes actually I do! I really, really do.

I wonder if all will revert to normal when my maternity leave ends and I return to the grind. Hmmm we will see I guess. If not, the rage may stay around for a lot longer than I or anyone else had anticipated.... a lot of people probably just wont feature in my life any more...

What I always try to remember is that having a baby is the best thing that has ever happened to me. She probably saved my life. Raising her is without a doubt the hardest job I have ever done.  On top of that I am able to do it with a smile because I know that it is the most worthwhile thing that I will ever do.

People generally react from jealousy. I'm not going to let it get to me...honestly I'm not!

Worry...

THE WORRY PEOPLE

I think a problem I have is that I worry too much. I always have. My mum says that I was born a worrier. That I used to frown a lot as a baby. My own baby does the same. I worry that she too will be a worrier.

I could worry for England. About anything.  Seriously anything. Even things which really are nothing to do with me whatsoever.

I worry myself silly if I don’t put the bins out the night before a collection to the point that I have to get up at 3am and put them all out in my PJs.

I can worry about things that effect other people and have no bearing on me, like a professional. This I think contributes to the bump theory.

 People like this attitude. If I worry about their problems then it means they have to worry about them all that little bit less.  A problem shared is a problem halved and all that. The thing is I have enough of my own things to worry about and I don’t need your worries as well. Especially if I can’t fix it.

Take my younger brother. I’ve spent my life worrying about him and his life. He spends no time worrying about that or anything else at all.

I worry about something that he has done/received in the post/ told me has happened/ is likely to happen/ may never ever happen in this universe or any other.

 I tell him what to do so that he can fix it/prevent it from happening/apologise/instigate damage limitation/go into hiding.

He does nothing. Does nothing whatsoever to fix it. I worry none stop. Slightly harass him  with phone calls to see if the advised action has been carried out. It never has.

 I do it for him. Every time. Without fail.

He knows he doesn’t need to worry about anything in his life as I’m already curled up in a ball in the corner praying for his soul. Ridiculous.

So when I have a slight knockback I take it badly. I know I do this. I just can’t stop. I’ve tried, believe me. I ve tried to block it out. Ive walked away when people start to talk about themselves and their problems. Ive stopped asking people if they are ok or whats wrong.

Then I got some “worry people”.

 They don’t work.

I did kind of believe they would. I don’t know why. They are just a bag full of very small people (6 women and 1 man – named Bob) –  why would they actually solve the problems of my life. But it was certainly worth a punt.

Essentially they are based on the “a problem shared..” theory....but for those of us who either don’t like talking to actually people about their problems or have no friends. I hope im the former. I really do. But I worry that maybe I’m the latter. Who knows. 

Anyway you are supposed to tell the wory people your troubles and then put them under your pillow. in the night they take your troubles away and you can breath a worry free sigh of relief in the morning.

This made me worry about several things;

a) will i crush the poor wee worry people with my larger than average head?

b) will i freak out of i wake up and they are running around my bed?

c)will someone overhear me off loading my concerns and think i have actually fallen into the abyss of insanity once and for all? 

AS you can see they created a lot more things i needed to worry about. For that reason Ive decided not to use them. At least for now.  

Bumping along...

BACK WITH A BUMP

This is not about pregnancy... I promise...at least not directly. Its about being happy. Really really happy. Smiling about everything. Looking at yourself n the mirror and just grinning because you love your life. Thinking that this feeling will last forever.....then bang...its gone!

This happens to me all the time. You think its all good. You think it wont change and just like that the universe switches tacks and your left wondereing how it all went so wrong so quickly.

Today has been an odd day....good and bad...why is it that when you think “im so happy I could burst”, something actually does come along and burst your bubble. Then you come freefalling back down to reality with an all mighty thud. At least the bump to the head brings you back to your senses.  You cant be that happy surely?

Today was just like this. A lovely morning. Such glee. Then bam. No warning just BAM! And that's it, you forget your good mood and all you can think about is the bad stuff.

Sure its not terrible. In the grand scheme of things its not really that bad at all. More of an annoyance than anything else. My problem is this. What right does anything have to ruin my good mood? I don’t go out of my way to ruin other peoples good moods. In fact I enjoy them too. Or try to at least.

There should be a rule. Some kind of cosmic ruling rather where no one can upset you when you are in a really good mood. That they have to leave you alone. Cushion any bad news. Treat you carefully. Gently. With respect for your happiness of mood.

Of course this will never happen. Some people enjoy ruining your good mood. They want to drag you down to their level. Its he “if im in pain emotionally, then so must you be” . I hate that attitude. Life is so much easier with a smile on a face. Even if its not a full on grin. Always look on the bright side of life and all that...

"The why me??" culture is amazing. Why not you? Did you do anything to improve the situation? Did you try to change things? Or did you just sit there and expect everyone else to do it for you? Yeah I thought so its the latter.

That's fine if that's how you want to live your life.....just do not try to drag me down with you.

So im going to take my smile, my laptop and a big glass of pimms. That's sure to put a smile back on my face!

Brattish behaviour...

Brats

I like some children I really do. You probably wont think it when you have read this entry but its true. I especially like my daughter and for that reason I will never let her act in the manner that I have witnessed some children acting. Its ultimately the parents fault if their child acts like a brat after all.

I was out the other day for instance and there happened to be a childrens party going on nearby. I had my baby with me so as I chatted with my friends she was looking round and generally taking an interest in the children who all seemed to be having a good time.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw a rather overweight child. I don’t say this lightly but he must have been clinically obese. He was a big boy. The following dialogue then took place.

MOTHER:  No JimBob * you cant have another cake, youve already had four.

JIMBOB: But I WANT one.

MOTHER: well you cant and that's that.

JIMBOB:  (screams at an ear piercingly high volume right in his mothers face.....for so long...he actually went red in the face....the whole area went silent...my baby cried....)

MOTHER: oh ok then, go and fetch another one then

(*Jimbob is clearly a made up name....its from the Waltons and not this real life scenario....i cant even remember this boys name...i was too shocked to register anything)

What?? I swear I felt like telling the child off myself. But obviously that is socially and morally unacceptable. Why would the mother give in to that kind of behaviour? Worse than that though she seemed to think that it was in some way amusing. It really wasn’t. It made my baby cry.

I belive that children really learn by example. Thus if the parents are not respectful of others or have the notion that you can always just get what you want, then so will the child. You cannot expect that a child knows how to behave. They really have to be taught. That kind of behaviour should have resulted in the child being told that not only could he not have a cake right then but in fact he could not have any cakes for a whole week. We would have also left the party immediately an he would have been sent straight to bed. I would have also made him run up the stairs....

Of course I say this now but when it comes to it I suppose its a different matter to see it through.

What really gets to me though is the reaction of the mother.  What was at all amusing about this situation. Its embarrassing. Sure I know people laugh when embarrassed, this wasn’t that kind of laugh. This was an I don’t care kind of laugh. She really was indifferent to the whole thing and that's what suddenly made her parenting seem so bad. Judgmental or not. She condoned her childs poor behaviour by an acceptance laugh. What example is that to set?

Another example of the way in which your attitude affects your child comes from an encounter I witnessed between a man and a young girl. I think he was probably her step father. He certainly didn’t seem confident enough to instill the same level of discipline which you would hope a father would.

The girl said that she wanted some sweets and she wanted them now. He told the girl that she would need to go home and tidy her bedroom and then she would receive some sweets as a reward for her good behaviour. The girl refused. She wanted the sweets now. She did not want to tidy her room. He told her that she couldn’t expect to get something for nothing. That she had to work before she would be given what she wated and that that was how life worked. No she replied, it was not.  Mummy doesn’t work and she always gets what she wants.

There are no words.

Just why????

Why oh why

Why do some things have to happen. Not generally. Not in life. Just really annoying things. Things that are really sent to test your patience to the limit. Normally this comes from the actions of a fellow member of the human race. It appears that some people have been sent with the sole role of annoying the hell out of other people.

I accept that some of my lack of patience may be down to hormones. Some, not all. Some is down to the idiots who appear to languidly roam around (usually at a very slow pace in front of me) ruining my day.

A case in point is a man I encountered at the supermarket. You know how it is when you just want to breeze in, grab what you want supermarket sweep style and then pay and leave. No complications. No delays. No people aimlessly milling about in front of the items you wish to purchase...

On this occasion the worst of these such incidents occurred in the wine aisle (don’t judge me I was just looking...honest)...at least I was trying to look. I was stood, mid way between the two sets of shelves facing the white wine selection. I like to do this so that I can look at a large amount of the wine at once thus making an informed choice of how to spend my £3.99.

I may have been taking my time but that did not excuse the mans behaviour. It just wasn’t in line with supermarket etiquette.

In short, he stood smack bang in front of me. Between me and the wine. He blocked out the whole viewing zone. Prick. I tutted. Loudly. He didn’t move.

Feeling I had no option, I moved along to my right two side steps. He did the same. I moved again. He did too.

By this point I was seriously in the “move away or strike out in anger” phase of impatience/uncontrollable rage.

In order to avoid a later arrest for assault, I moved to the other end of the aisle and observed the “gent “ in action. Guess what he did? He left the wine aisle. Without any wine. Prick.

What in earth was he doing? Why stand and block my view of the vino if you don’t even intend to buy any.

I quickly selected two bottles of “nice dry French wine” (that's the name of the wine not a description...what can you expect for £3.29??) and left.

After id paid at the till, I passed the man a another checkout. He actually tried to smile at me. I narrowed my eyes. Prick.

The beginning...

These are my thoughts. A random collection of thoughts. They usually cover things which happen in my everyday life. That can of course be national events, things which make international news, things which make the local rag. It can equally be as mundane as things which happen to me in the supermarket...or on the car journey there.

Largely I’m writing these things down for my own sanity. Its been highly therapeutic. The reason I’ve needed an outlet is because there was a major change in my life. I had  baby. There really is no bigger change.

Whilst this has undoubtedly been the happiest chapter in my life so far, it has taken some adjusting.

Before the baby I worked none stop. My career was my life. I lived to work. That was all. Children had never been a factor in my life. They were not something I could see on my horizon.

I imagined that I would carry on working. Try to make partner. Muse about the short comings of the world and generally carry on as I had been for the preceding years.

Fate had another plan for me. Fate decided I was due a change.

This change has affected everything. From my financial situation to my ability to handle my ‘rage’. It also altered my ability to express myself. I realise now that this was because when I was at work I could always hide any issues I had behind those of my clients.

This isn’t about work however. It’s about what happens when you shift from being a professional woman to a mother. Its about the changes you don’t think are there but they happen anyway. Its also about my thoughts. As I have explained this is my therapy, its my release. This is all the things that I want to say out loud but cant.

I hope its funny. I hope its informative. It is only my opinion. This comes largely from my observations of life. I do not intend to be judgemental. I do not have a particular political or religious persuasion. I do not favour one ethnic group over another. I try to take all  people as I find them and assess them all by the same criteria. I hope not to come across as prejudice in anyway. If you think that I do then I apologise it is not my intention. These are just my thoughts.

I’ve found it easier to touch on things that have happened to me. In particular things which have annoyed or impressed me. This means that I have had to change the names and details of the people involved. I hope that they are not identifiable. It is not my intention to ‘name and shame’ nor is it my intention to heap praise onto anyone.

Of course it will undoubtedly be the case that I will mention those closest to me, my family and friends. I love them all dearly and mean all that I say about them in the nicest way.  They really are the best people I could ever hope to know. That is why they are part of my life.

I will at times also touch on work. It was such a large part of my life. It was my life for the past 6 years. It is all I really have for reference. I can’t avoid the topic entirely. Its not however what I hope to focus on. Some parts do feature it heavily. Others not at all. That's fine by me. You can always of course skip those bits if you want!

I'm not going to discuss specific cases in any detail. I'm not going to mention any of my clients. Any reference to work will be in a generalised sense. This is not about work.

Finally I want to make it clear that no one else knows that I am writing this stuff down. They haven’t had any direct input. All of these views are essentially my own. Of course I have listened to their views in various topics before formulating my own opinion.

This however is all mine. My conscious stream of thought. Welcome to my mind!